On a cold Tuesday afternoon, business major Bill Zuckermusk approached his professor’s office prior to class. What he witnessed when he walked in unannounced shocked the entire community.
Professor Aflack, a well respected member of the university who only taught in the spring, revealed his migration identity when he was caught attempting to put on a life-like, silicone human mask.
“I felt betrayed,” Zuckermusk stated in an interview, “how could we have not seen it? It was right under our noses the whole time- or should I say, our bills?”
When questioned, Aflack denied the allegations despite multiple witnesses coming forward with their own testimonies.
“You know, sometimes I thought I’d see him in the park swimming in the pond and stealing bread from the ducks,” Alumni Sarah Tweeter stated on her own account, “but, I just thought it was a hobby of his. We all have weird hobbies, I know I like to bully the geese around here when they get in my way. I guess I can see why I wasn’t really his favorite student.”
The question of having geese people (locally called “geeple”) in charge of higher education becomes an area of concern, especially since there is no formal placement for geese in the education system. How Aflack was able to fly his way through the system is still being investigated by the school board, although protesting students and faculty question if geeple are actually planted in the system itself.
“You really think the government is filled with people who actually care about the safety of the geese?” Local sleaze Bob Barksaton claims, found protesting with a silicone goose head skewered on a stick. “Nah, these geese protection laws were made for geese BY geese. Open your eyes, sheeple, to the geeple!”
Conclusions on the authenticity of Aflack’s identity are still being questioned, but this doesn’t stop some geeple advocate students from offering their professor gifts of fresh grass and bugs to eat.
“A person or a goose,” Aflack’s student Mark Markeroni begins, “he’s a great teacher. A tush or tail feathers, he’ll always be my favorite professor.”
Senior Goose Investigator, Katelyn Hawthorne, Stan State Alumni, has researched geeple for several years providing a farewell message to future generations of Goose investigators.
“I think that their primary objective is still unknown, but I think that there’s still something going on that we don’t know about…move forward with your head held high,” she said.
Upcoming Geese Investigators, Rebecca Sobrevilla and Ella Adams share how they plan to approach the concern.
“I think we need to start respecting the geeple here on campus a little bit more,” said Adams.
“And it’s important to start spreading a lot more kindness,” added Sobrevilla.
From all of us at the Signal, we hope you are enjoying your spring break with plenty of rest, joy and laughter. Happy April 1st, April Fool’s Day, Stan State Warriors.
