Dear Distress Signal,
My girlfriend says that I “taste bad” when she gives me blowjobs. She told me that I need to eat more fruits and vegetables because it’ll make my sperm taste better. Is this true?? I feel like she’s hinting that I need to lose weight or something.
-Maybe Not So Tasty

Dear Maybe Not So Tasty,
Have you tried it for yourself? (And by “it,” I mean your semen; technically sperm are too small to be tasted.) If not, that’s my first suggestion. Quickest way to fact check that one. My impulse would be to run a science experiment (complete with graphs and a tri-fold board), but I’m generally weird, so we’ll move on.
Everyone has a unique flavor, so to speak, because we all have distinct diets. Different foods will vary your taste, but vegetables are more likely to taste horrible after they’ve passed through your, ahem, system. Broccoli, Brussels sprouts and asparagus are all terrible offenders.
Extensive internet searching led me to tons of articles but zero actual research studies (my science experiment idea doesn’t sound so crazy now, does it?). The general consensus of the interwebs seems to be that red meat and smelly vegetables are bad, acidic fruits are good.
Pineapple is considered the gold standard for sweetening one’s love juice, but other fruits like kiwis and oranges might have an effect. Why not give it a shot?
Flavored condoms, lubes and mints can add a new element to oral pleasures, while masking unpleasant flavors.
Note: Condoms and dental dams are strongly recommended for couples that are not fluid-bonded – and by fluid-bonded, I mean STD/STI tested. Recently. Simultaneously. Gonorrhea is transmittable via the throat.
If your significant other is nicely flavored, why not eat the same foods for a few days? See if that changes things south of the border.
Of course, we’ve been focusing on fluids. Perhaps the problem isn’t internal, but external. A quick clean-up with a baby wipe does wonders for pieces of skin that are subject to sweaty, confined environments. Even if that’s not the issue, it can’t hurt.
As far as if she’s trying to hint about weight loss: Only one way to find that out, sugar. Ask her.
Best wishes,
The Distress Signal
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