I spend a lot of time in this column discussing squirm-in-your-seat-uncomfortable topics.
As much as it might seem like I’m trying to make things awkward — I’m not.
What I am trying to do is get us talking.
We live in a society with deeply Puritanical roots (no hate to the Puritans; that’s just how things are) that often make talking about sex a difficult thing.
While this leads to a myriad of troubles, the one I want to focus on this week is consent.
Verbal consent is the necessary ingredient that separates sex from sexual assault, and it can be hard to muster if talking about sex is an uncomfortable thing in the first place.
So, without further adieu, The Consent Primer:
Silence is not consent.
Not saying, “No,” is not consent.
Going home with someone is not consent.
Provocative clothing is not consent.
Drunkenness (or any other form of inebriation) is not consent.
Being male is not consent.
Sleeping is not consent.
Flirting is not consent.
Making out is not consent.
A “Yes” that changes into a “No” later on is not consent.
Costumes are not consent.
A “Yes” that is coerced is not consent.
Dating someone/marriage is not automatic consent.
Three “Nos” and one “Yes” is not consent.
Being female is not consent.
Alright, this is an incomplete list — but at this point I’ve said the word “consent” so much it’s starting to feel weird in my mouth.
We live in a competitive, persuasive world that excuses the pushing of (non-sexual) boundaries. We also live in a world that praises the actions of men that are aggressive (think ANY movie, EVER) and women that are nurturing (mostly cool, until you find those people that think nurturing equals martyr), and often punishes those outside of that box.
While these are crappy cultural ideologies, where they do the most harm is when they creep into our sex lives.
The best way to nurture consent in the bedroom is to nurture consent in our everyday interactions.
Don’t be afraid to have boundaries.
Don’t strong arm your friends into breaking their boundaries.
Most importantly?
Keep talking about sex until it isn’t uncomfortable.
Want to know more about consent?
I’m hosting a consent workshop April 28 in South Dining from 5 to 7 p.m. I’d love to see you there.
Best wishes,
The Distress Signal
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